Losing my Shit

I find myself calling my mother, a lot lately.  She's been working, and isn't answering.  And of course, I am not leaving any messages either.  I mean, really, what would I say?  My mind is in a fog, both at work and at home.  I have very little patience or compassion these days, except for my children.  Even my poor husband is feeling left out and let down.  I have been having a drink every single day.  Just one, but, daily.  And, sadly, I am at the highest dose of meds I can be on.  I don't sleep.  I constantly worry.  And I am pretty gosh darned useless right now.  I get home from a long day at work, and all I want to do is cuddle with my boys.  Mason will only stand that for a few minutes before he has to run off and do something.  But Jackson and I, we can just hang out and stare into each others eyes for hours and hours.

I would like to take Mason to church with me this Easter weekend.  But I am worried about the added germs right before surgery.  And of course, I feel like a jerk of a mom for denying him an easter egg hunt, complete with chocolate.  Why does he have to suffer and do without, just because of Jackson's heart.  It's not fair that he is punished too.  And yet, he is the sweetest kindest gentlest big brother ever.  He kisses Jackson every day, shows him any new owies that he receives, and always reminds us to take good care of his brother.  Last night I asked him if it was ok if Jackson read books with us, and he practically beamed with pride when he said yes.  His love for Jackson is over flowing.  I feel like Jackson will teach us all a thing or two, but the biggest thing I see him teaching Mason is kindness and compassion.

We check in Monday at 10 for the MRI and CT Scan.  I should be thankful that we are (hopefully) skipping the heart cath.  Instead, I am worried and scared about the sedation.  Jackson doesn't really do well on a breathing machine.  And he will be under for a few hours while they get all the pictures they need.  We will pack a bag, and take 2 cars, and hope that being prepared to stay overnight means that we don't have to.  So long as he tolerates the anesthesia ok, then we should be able to go.  I know he has a crush on a few of the 9th floor nurses, so we'll see who wins this time.

I am doing my best to fill the next two weeks with family time and fun.  I have been taking a ton of pictures of Jackson lately.  When he had his first surgery, and was intubated for so long, I began to forget what he looked like when he wasn't so puffy from all the meds and fluids.  I don't want to forget this time, and so I am taking hundreds of pictures to get me through the days ahead.  I stare at him and think to myself "what if this is it?"  I am trying to cram every last thing in, just in case.  A trip to the zoo to see the animals.  A walk around the park.  A picnic out in the backyard with Mason.  I am afraid to take any family photos for fear he won't make it.  But then I worry I will kick myself if he dies and I didn't take one last picture of us all.

I just need to get over the other side of this surgery.  I dread the 12th coming, but I need it to.  I need to be passed this point and on the path to living.  We fight so hard for Jackson, and yet we hardly get to experience life with him.  I want to take him out and show him the world.  And really, show the world our amazing son.

Please send a prayer that Monday is uneventful and that there are no surprises with the MRI.  Neither for his heart, nor the other pictures they will take.  I think the anticipation of the unknown is what is really driving me over the edge.  A positive report card on Monday will go a long ways in helping me feel a little sense of calm.