Losing my Shit

I find myself calling my mother, a lot lately.  She's been working, and isn't answering.  And of course, I am not leaving any messages either.  I mean, really, what would I say?  My mind is in a fog, both at work and at home.  I have very little patience or compassion these days, except for my children.  Even my poor husband is feeling left out and let down.  I have been having a drink every single day.  Just one, but, daily.  And, sadly, I am at the highest dose of meds I can be on.  I don't sleep.  I constantly worry.  And I am pretty gosh darned useless right now.  I get home from a long day at work, and all I want to do is cuddle with my boys.  Mason will only stand that for a few minutes before he has to run off and do something.  But Jackson and I, we can just hang out and stare into each others eyes for hours and hours.

I would like to take Mason to church with me this Easter weekend.  But I am worried about the added germs right before surgery.  And of course, I feel like a jerk of a mom for denying him an easter egg hunt, complete with chocolate.  Why does he have to suffer and do without, just because of Jackson's heart.  It's not fair that he is punished too.  And yet, he is the sweetest kindest gentlest big brother ever.  He kisses Jackson every day, shows him any new owies that he receives, and always reminds us to take good care of his brother.  Last night I asked him if it was ok if Jackson read books with us, and he practically beamed with pride when he said yes.  His love for Jackson is over flowing.  I feel like Jackson will teach us all a thing or two, but the biggest thing I see him teaching Mason is kindness and compassion.

We check in Monday at 10 for the MRI and CT Scan.  I should be thankful that we are (hopefully) skipping the heart cath.  Instead, I am worried and scared about the sedation.  Jackson doesn't really do well on a breathing machine.  And he will be under for a few hours while they get all the pictures they need.  We will pack a bag, and take 2 cars, and hope that being prepared to stay overnight means that we don't have to.  So long as he tolerates the anesthesia ok, then we should be able to go.  I know he has a crush on a few of the 9th floor nurses, so we'll see who wins this time.

I am doing my best to fill the next two weeks with family time and fun.  I have been taking a ton of pictures of Jackson lately.  When he had his first surgery, and was intubated for so long, I began to forget what he looked like when he wasn't so puffy from all the meds and fluids.  I don't want to forget this time, and so I am taking hundreds of pictures to get me through the days ahead.  I stare at him and think to myself "what if this is it?"  I am trying to cram every last thing in, just in case.  A trip to the zoo to see the animals.  A walk around the park.  A picnic out in the backyard with Mason.  I am afraid to take any family photos for fear he won't make it.  But then I worry I will kick myself if he dies and I didn't take one last picture of us all.

I just need to get over the other side of this surgery.  I dread the 12th coming, but I need it to.  I need to be passed this point and on the path to living.  We fight so hard for Jackson, and yet we hardly get to experience life with him.  I want to take him out and show him the world.  And really, show the world our amazing son.

Please send a prayer that Monday is uneventful and that there are no surprises with the MRI.  Neither for his heart, nor the other pictures they will take.  I think the anticipation of the unknown is what is really driving me over the edge.  A positive report card on Monday will go a long ways in helping me feel a little sense of calm.

Visit From Grandma and Papa

I can't believe I am just now finding the time to post some pics from when Grandma and Papa were here in March, but, sadly, it's true. Here are a few from The Children's Museum. We had a good time for sure, but it was definitely a case of sensory overload for Mason at the end of the day. Poor kid crashed HARD for his naps when they were here. What can I say, we like to play hard when Grandma and Papa come for a visit. It's not every day we see them, after all!

Personal Achievement

I've lost 65 pounds. It took me about a year (I don't recall the exact date I started) to get there. I fell off the wagon a few times and wasn't always super good about my walks. But, eventually every time I got back on track and found my motivation. And I lost 65 pounds. I was holding Mason the other day, thinking "I've lost 3 of you". Three! Three of him is GONE from my body. Wow! What an amazing thing. I'm still in awe when I look at the scale. Heck, I am even so proud, I'll tell you all. I started at 205. Good god it hurts to even write that. 205 pounds. I have no idea how I let myself gain that much weight. But, I won't go back. I am now at 140. I am thinking I'll try for something in the mid 130's. In a little while. Right now, I just want to revel in the joy of having lost 65 pounds and just allow myself a few moments of pride. I certainly think I've earned it. I bought a new outfit the other day. The pants were a size 8. The shirt was a medium. To think of where I've come, just amazes me. I have seen enough Biggest Looser type tv shows to know that it's a life long commitment. You can get cocky and lazy and gain it back three times as fast as you lost it. It's always easier to put the weight back on than it is to get and keep it off. I will keep that in mind and when I feel like I don't need to walk one night or I feel like I've earned a second helping of dessert. I will reach into my memory and let that realization guide me to a better, more healthy choice. I will be around to see my son graduate and get married and have babies. I will be healthy and strong for Chris and for Mason and for myself. I love the new skinny me, and I am so not going back.

Random Cuteness

Just cause I am his mom and I can.

Spaghetti!!!!

Chris and I used to eat spaghetti a lot, but since I've been trying to be healthier with our dinner choices, we don't get it much - maybe five times total since Mason really started eating table food. Well, he LOVES it! So, it seems spaghetti will have to make a few more regular appearances at the dinner table. Holy cow, the kid had noddles and sauce in places I didn't think noodles and sauce could fit!

Happy Birthday Momma

Chris and Mason spoiled me good for my birthday last weekend. Flowers and donuts and gifts and lots and lots of love and hugs. Chris even let me go to a salad bar buffet (Sweet Tomatoes) that I love to eat at. Tonight, we are celebrating without Mason. We have a sitter and we're going to Texas De Brazil. We went in August for Chris' birthday, but had Mason with us. It's such a fun place, with SO MUCH food, and he's just not the best in restaurants these days. So looking forward to date night!!

SQUASH!!

Mason seems to have shaken his cold, so we went ahead with our plans to introduce something other than formula and or cereal. We started with Squash. The first few bites weren't in his mouth half a second before he spit them out and made faces, but he eventually got the hang of it. He had some squash, and then some oatmeal, and then finished up with the squash. I gave him the rest of the little container tonight at dinner and he was less enthusiastic with it than he was this morning. But, I think there was more there than I realized. Next time we'll split it into 3 servings, not just 2. So far (knock on wood) he seems to have done ok. We'll stick with squash this week, and move onto something else next weekend.

Swim Lesson #1

Mason and Chris and I showed up at the pool last Sunday, only to realize we were a week early! Whoops!!

Today was the official start to swim lessons. Mason did really well, considering it was just about the time he should be laying down for a nap. The water was much cooler than I expected. I had heard they keep the pool ridiculously warm, so I was expecting it to be more of bath water temperature. We practiced floating on his back and on his front, and while I am sure it was purely coincidental, he did kick some. Mostly it was just kind of free time to play and explore the pool together. The teacher had some bath tub toys that the kids played with. She came around and introduced herself to everyone. She is also one of the coaches for the Aurora swim club. Maybe someday, Mason will follow in my steps and be on a swim team? For now, I was just happy that he didn't freak out and get scared, and that he seemed like he had a good time. WE are off next Sunday for Easter, so we've got a little break before Class #2.

6 Month Dr. Appointment

Mason saw the pediatrician yesterday for his 6 month check. I really have to say that I enjoy our pediatrician's office, and am glad that we took the time to interview so many of them before settling on someone. I felt like I could have asked questions all night long, and he'd of sat there answering them all.

Anyway, Chris and I took bets on Mason's weight (which we always do) and we were both wrong!! He was 14.8 pounds at his 4 month check, and 15.6 pounds this time. Both of our guesses had him in the 16 pound range! So, he dropped from 50% percent for weight down to 15%, but the doctor said that's normal when babies finally start to be mobile, and burn some calories. He was still 50% for height, coming in a 26 1/4 inches. There were no major concerns, and he said his cold seemed like just a cold, and wasn't cause for concern. Knock on wood, no ear infections, and it had not settled into his chest. So, a few more days with the humidifier and hopefully he'll be back to his normal, cheerful self soon.

This weekend, provided he's up for it, we'll start him on some veggies and see what he thinks of them. You know pictures will follow!!

Snow Day!!

We got 10+ inches of snow last night, which closed daycare for the day, so Mason and I are home, cuddling under the blankets. I am trying to do some work as well, which is harder than one might think with a crabby sick 6 month old to deal with!! But, he's adorable and I love him, so he's worth it.

Swim Lesson #1 is Tomorrow

Provided he's feeling up for it, Mason's first swim lesson is tomorrow. I am excited to introduce him to the pool. And to see him in his cute swim shorts that Dad and I bought.

6 Months Old AND His First Cold

Happy 6 month birthday my beautiful son! I am sorry that you have to spend your birthday not feeling good.

Mason is sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. It's nothing any more serious than a cold, but he's grouchy and tired and snotty and just generally pretty crabby. This from a boy that is almost always all smiles. Mason has always slept exceptionally well when he can sleep on me. We lay on the couch and he takes excellent naps curled up on my chest, listening to the familiar beat of my heart. So, on Friday I picked him up from daycare and came home and we snuggled and he slept for close to 2 hours. Today we napped 3 separate times on the couch. He just didn't want anything to do with his room and his crib. It's nice to be lazy, I just wish he didn't feel so crappy. My book says something about there being 100 different types of colds, and once you catch one, you are immune to it, but there are still 99 others that you aren't. Ugh! It's going to be a long few years while he catches all these germs. My poor son, if I could catch them for you, I would. Do you suppose he's too little for some chicken noodle soup??

St. Patty's Day

Mason wore a little green to celebrate St. Patty's Day. Chris hates corned beef, and cabbage, and everything else that's yummy that I love to eat, so there was neither served around here. Mason likes to hang out in his chair in the kitchen and watch us cook and do things in there. I am hoping that means he will be interested in learning to cook so maybe he'll have more skills in there than his dad.

How to Pass The Time in The Tub?

Why, suck on your wash cloth, of course!! He waits for me to put the warm washcloth on his tummy and no sooner do I lay it down than he's got it stuffed into his mouth, sucking on it. I don't think he realizes it's not the cleanest water?!?

Mason Has Found His Feet

Mason has found his feet, finally. They are ALWAYS up in the air, and he's got a hold of them, making sure they don't go anywhere. Can I just say, it's really, really hard to put a diaper on him in this position!!

Cereal is Going Much Better

Mason has cereal every night now, either before we eat dinner, or right after. He lets you know if the spoon isn't moving fast enough, and gets his thumb in at least every 5th or 6th bite. He seems to like the oatmeal better than the rice. For years I had oatmeal for breakfast, so maybe it's in his genes. Who knows. But, this weekend, after his photos on Saturday, we are going to try some veggies too. I've heard that you should introduce veggies before fruit, so that kids don't develop a sweet tooth. I have no earthly clue if that's true, or just a rumor, but we'll play it safe and stick with sweet potatoes and squash before we move onto apple sauce and plums. Wish us luck!!

Can You Believe It's March?!?!

I find that I have less and less time to take 8 million pictures of Mason throughout the day . . . it's hard when you work all day, and just want to come home and love on him. I feel like a bad mom, but I am sure he's enjoying the paparazzi break!!

Next weekend kicks off a busy few days. Ann, the lady who took pictures of Mason when he was 3 months old, will be taking pictures of him on his 6 month birthday next Saturday. The day after that he goes for his first "Mom and Me" swim class. I can't wait! Mason loves the bath, absolutely loves it, so I am excited to see what he thinks of the big pool. I love the water, and no child of mine is going to not inherit that gene. The on the 23rd he has his 6 month check up with the doctor, and the dreaded shots. Uck!!

Mason seems to really be settling into daycare well. I miss him, and love my Fridays when I get to pick him up instead of dad.

And, I am counting down to May. My parents will be here for a visit, and then we're headed off to Phoenix for Donna's birthday. Lots of spoiling by the grandparents, which is just what Mason deserves for being such a great kid!!

It's a Date

My BFF will be flying in for our shower, so I needed to get a date picked so she can start looking for tickets from Austin. Looks like August 15th will be the baby shower. So excited!

Going to Register

Before moving to Texas, Ang and Rod gave us bags of clothes and a bunch of other great baby stuff. Chris and I went through it this morning. We've also received some stuff from Chris' boss, Jeff, and a few yard sales that Chris had found along the way. Some of it we are donating (mostly the yard sale stuff) today on our way to Target.

We are heading there to register. I think we'll register there, and at Babys R Us. It's hard, since we don't know the sex of the baby yet. I will say based on the wives tales I've read, I may actually be leaning more towards it being a girl, but I still have no real guess one way or the other.

I know that this is something Chris has really been looking forward to. The other day, he came home with a Phoenix Suns jersey for a little one, and the winter parka thing he spotted at Babys R Us a few weeks back. The shopping has begun, and somehow, I don't think I can stop it.

My next OB appointment is April 10th. I am feeling good, and dare I say it, I think getting some of my energy back, which would be a welcome change. I still have 5 weeks of holding down the office by myself, which some days seems like a very monumental task!

Right On Track

My 2nd OB appointment was this afternoon. I asked the doctor a few questions, and it seemed we had more of a connection this time, which was nice. Last time she seemed a little distracted. We talked about my weight, and about my needing to be better about eating. There are days I look at the clock and realize it's 11:30 and I've had nothing more than 2 cups of coffee, which is completely unacceptable.

She warned me that I might be a little early for her to find the heartbeat with her little Doppler machine, so I wasn't too freaked out when she couldn't. The good news is I got another ultra sound. The bad news is Chris wasn't with me. I had a different tech this time - I guess she's the lady I'll generally see when I have ultra sounds. Very nice, and funny. Anyway, she measured the baby and I am right on track at 13 weeks 1 day. We saw the spinal cord and the rib cage, and even both sides of the brain - it was very cool, and finally made me feel like there is a person in there and not just a blob. The baby wouldn't roll over and show it's face, but we did see it suck it's thumb or finger, which was cool as hell to watch. The heartbeat was 150, which she said is perfect.

I go back in 4 weeks. My parents will be here the end of April or beginning of May to see my sister when she has her baby, and if I can steal them away for a nano second, I'd love it if they came to my May OB appointment with me. But, that's a ways down the road and I won't worry about it for now.

So, for those of you wondering, we are still set with a September 17th due date.