Feeling Guilty for Feeling Blessed

Jackson's 2nd open heart surgery took place on Friday.  Dr. Campbell is his surgeon.  He told me how pleased he was and how well everything went.  Dr. Ing was the anesthesiologist.  He told me how well Jackson tolerated the anesthesia.  Dr. Adel is his cardiologist.  He told me how great everything went, reassured me that Jackson was fine.  And yet I still asked him if there was anything bad that no one was telling us.  And then I spent the next 3 days feeling guilty for having asked such a question.  But I realize that we are blessed with Jackson's heart.  Not for his heart defect, but for how well his surgeries have gone.  How well he has done.  How quickly he has recovered.  I look at so many of my heart momma friends and I see their struggles.  Days that turn into weeks that turn into months, spent in the hospital with your little one, when you have other children back home.  Wound vacs and cardiac caths.  Surgeries that don't go as well as planned.  Procedures that actually do damage to the heart in an attempt to fix it.  Little Liam, who paid the ultimate price with his life when his heart gave out.  And we seem to sail through.  I mean, yes, we have our issues from time to time.  But really, compared to some of them, it's nothing.  And I feel guilty for our good luck.  I am struggling to be a good friend to these heart momma's, when I can't really relate to them.  I haven't had these same set backs and tragedies.  Of course, I don't want to have them either.  I am obviously ok with Jackson's steady progress.  But I have such feelings of guilt too.  I hope that I can at least give them a safe place to cry or yell or say really horrible things.  I hope they know that while I don't truly understand, I do care and I do feel for them and I do pray for their little ones.

Friday Friday Friday

My mind is such a mess, I honestly don't even really know what to write or say.

I tried to think of the things I am thankful for.  I am thankful there is a new CICU wing, and that I don't have to go back to the place where I watched a little heart girl die just 3 days after Jackson was born.  Or where they told us Jackson had CHARGE and then wheeled him off for surgery.  But it didn't seem right that those are things I am thankful for.

So I tried to think of the things I am scared of.  I am scared of Jackson dying.  I am scared of his heart not being strong enough to re-start when they take him off the bypass machine.  I am scared of him having a heart attack or stroke from the surgery.  I am scared of his incision getting infected and us being in the hospital longer.  I am scared of seeing him in so much pain.

A good friend (and my boss) suggested that there are two possibilities that exist in the universe.  One possibility is that Jackson's surgery can go horribly wrong.  But, the other possibility is that it can go smoothly and without complication.  And she said that whichever possibility I spend my time and energy focusing on, is the one that will come true.  So, I guess it's time to pull up my big girl panties and stop worrying about the awful things that could happen.  And instead, imagine the good things.

Imagine that the anesthesiologist will keep Jackson safely intubated without too much medicine.
Imagine that Jackson's heart will be strong and will beat on its own when the time comes.
Imagine that we will be able to keep his pain under control and managed without the use of opiates.  Imagine that his chest will heal and his scar is something he will someday show off with pride.  Imagine that once his body starts to send more blood to the rest of his parts, his eating will improve.  Imagine that he will pass his swallow study and begin to eat by mouth.
Imagine Jackson safely back in our arms after surgery.
Imagine the good.
Imagine the positive.
Imagine success.
Imagine Jackson growing up and going to college and getting married and having kids of his own.

I think it's pretty obvious these are better things to focus on.  Better outcomes.  Better situations.  I am working on it, working on switching my thoughts from glass half empty over to glass half full.

And, I am so very thankful for our friends and our family who have rallied around us, again.  The meals you bring are so helpful.  The phone calls and text messages and emails with words of encouragement are amazing and keep us strong.  The chances to just sit and talk and cry are so healing.  The love and sacrifice of my parents is generous beyond words.  I am sometimes overwhelmed with the out puring of support.  My cup truly runeth over.