We're Back

Chris and I landed safely late on Saturday night. The flight home was much more bumpy than the flight going. I even had a glass of wine on the way back to calm my nerves.

We had an amazing time in Phoenix, and as always, seemed to have so much more we wanted to do, and people we wanted to see, when we finally had to leave. Tuesday night we went to Popo's for dinner. Yummo!! I could eat there once a week, if not more. We got to tell Donna, and Janelle, and Uncle Dave and Aunt LeAnn about our ttc. Donna was quite shocked, and the look on her face was worth the plane ride! She's SO excited about the prospect of a grandchild. Of course, the topic came up a few more times while we were there. I told her that when I delivered, we would want her to come and stay with us for a few weeks, to help out and visit and see her first grandchild. I hope that she can. I know that money is tight and I don't think she has vacation time. Hopefully we will have good news for her, and all of the family, soon.

Supposedly, my aunt flo should be here this week. She used to arrive on Tuesdays, but we shall see. I don't have any of my usual once a month food cravings, but I don't feel pregnant either.

Santa brought me two books. One is called What To Expect When You're Expecting, that I've started to read. Angela warned me a little about that one, and said it can certainly scare you, with their honesty, so to take it easy. The other is called BabyProofing Your Marriage, that my parents got us that's helpful, but funny too.

We are painting the bedroom this week. We got the darker accent wall done today. I am thinking maybe Chris' swimmers need a change of scenery and this will help. If not, well, our room will look awesome, so who cares.

Blink Blink it's 2:30 AM

And, the worse part is that I've been up since 1:30. I didn't sleep very well last night, but I think it's safe to say it was better than I expected. We are having dinner tonight at Popo's in Phoenix, and we'll get to tell Chris' mom, and his sister, and his aunt and uncle, our news about ttc. So, that will be fun. We don't want to take away from the Christmas celebrations and what that is all about, so we are telling them today, and hoping they keep our secret til we've gone. Or at least until Friday when we're done with all of the Christmas parties, and even a birthday celebration for Uncle Dave. I can't wait to see the look on Donna's face! We likely won't get to tell either set of parents when we finally do conceive, in person, so this may be my only chance to see a reaction vs on the phone.

Now, where did I put that Zanex?

Saw Tamara, and Bought a Fertility Monitor

Chris and I are both off today, since we leave at the butt crack of dawn tomorrow morning, so I drug him out with me to go see Tamara, my doc. She was great at answering all of my silly questions and even some of the serious ones. She's not too worried about our ages, and said to give it 3 more months before we came back. I told her that my mother and grandmother both conceived in their late 30's, so the family history was certainly behind me as well. Although, with my grandma, she got pregnant and delivered triplets, so that's not exactly the family history that I am looking for!

She suggested that we get a fertility monitor, that will say for 100% positive when I am ovulating. So far we've tried to time things, but it doesn't appear to be working. So, we stopped at Target and bought a few last minute things for the trip and the Target brand of the clear blue easy. For $5 less, I was ok with it being generic. The box has 7 tests, and some directions, and was still $13. WOW! I won't be using it til January, assuming that December is not our month. We've been so busy with work and everything else, that it's been hard. We decided to only buy 1. Buying 2 or 3 seemed like a jinx, so we just got the 1.

I think I'll go splurge and get myself a mani-pedi. Maybe I can fall asleep in the chair and relax. I am not exactly the worlds best flier and so it will be a long day, and even longer night. My alarm will be set to go off at 1:30 in the freakin morning. And, I am sure once we are in Phoenix, we'll be on the go most of the time.

So F'in Proud of us!!

So, two years ago, right before our wedding, Chris and I vowed to pay off the 1 credit card that we had that had a balance. I'd been stupid with it before we met, and we'd been stupid with it together. No wedding expenses were on it, but we owed upwards of $7,000. Yup, Seven Thousand Dollars. It hurts to say that. It hurts to write that.

So, for the last two years and three months, we have been paying money towards it every month. First $200 and then $300 and then $400 and in the end $500. Five Hundred Dollars each and every month for something we didn't get to eat, or read, or drive, or wear or anything. $500 just to get it paid down. A year or so ago, we agreed to scrimp and save even more and limited ourselves to a $20 every other week allowance. It's been hard, but I am SO PROUD to say that today, I wrote a check for $451.20 that officially makes us credit card debt free.

OH MY GOD!!!

Told Chris' BFF

Stevie, Chris' bff, also lives in Austin (not married to my bff, wouldn't that be funny!), but he comes to Denver about 3 or 4 times a year for work, and so we get to see him somewhat often. Anyway, he was in town this week for work, and so over at the house last night visiting. I kept asking Chris when he was going to say something to Steve about our ttc, and he kept saying he would, but that being pregnant would be much more exciting news. Anyway, he finally said something to Steve last night. It was fun to share in that with him. Chris doesn't have many close friends, and so I think it was nice for him to be able to tell Steve in person. Now, if we could just find the time and energy this month. With the holidays looming, it seems like we're always tired. I am thinking December will not be our month.

Just Not Feeling Right

I don't know what my deal is, but I am tired and crabby and really just quite fed up with most everyone around me. I think that my body is having issues with the lack of hormones since I stopped taking my pills. I have more headaches and backaches then ever, and I just feel like I could sleep for days if everyone would leave me alone. I suppose it doesn't hurt that I've been busting my butt on trial prep for a case that settled at the last second, but a nap sounds so wonderful right now. My ovulation calendar isn't working, and my appointment with my doctor had to be moved to the day before we fly out to Phoenix. I want to ask her a million questions. Chris and I will both be on vacation, so maybe I'll drag him out there with me. I just feel "off" somehow, and I can't seem to figure out why, or catch up on sleep. I can't sleep in at Donna's house and she gets up so early. I mean, I can sleep in, but I feel guilty, so I don't.

I think I'll go find some milk and cookies and lock myself in my office for a while. Vent over.

Ahha, There She Is

Aunt flo showed up tonight, and boy does she seem mad! At least I know for sure my dollar store pregnancy test wasn't just a dud.

NEXT!

Peed on a Stick This Morning

Last month I was, honestly, a little shocked when my aunt flo showed up right on schedule. I thought, for being the 1st month officially off of birth control, I'd be a mess. But, there she was, right on time. So, this month she hasn't shown up yet, and was due yesterday. Hmmm . . . .

I had heard that The Dollar Store carried pregnancy tests, and being the Dollar Store, they are $1 each. SCORE! So, I went to the one by our house last night. I wasn't really there to wander, so I went straight to that section and grabbed two of them. I went to the front to check out, and for some reason, was horribly embarrassed by what I was holding. I clutched them tight to my chest so that no one could see them and tried not to make eye contact. I have a wedding ring on, but I just couldn't face those people. Odd, I know. I paid my $2.16 and ran like hell.

Chris found my bag on the kitchen table, and was quite excited at the idea of a home pregnancy test. We looked at the directions, and talked about when I'd take it. I know I didn't sleep well, lots of tossing and turning, and I am pretty sure he was the same.

I rolled out of bed at 6:10 this morning and he was right there waiting. So, I took the test and we closed the door and waited 1 minute. We looked together, and it was negative (bet you never thought I'd get to the results, huh?!?). Anyway, we are ok with it, and will charge on next month.

Still no sign of flo, so I guess we'll wait and see what the deal is. Next time I have to brave the Dollar Store for pregnancy tests, I'm wearing sunglasses, a dark hooded jacket, and buying 20 of them so I don't have to go back. I felt so "high school" it was ridiculous!

Ouch!

Last Friday, I had our ancient heater serviced for the year. The service technician found a leak, and so he turned off the gas line and said it was basically illegal for us to run the heater! Crap!! In a panic I called Brooke, who's uncle owns a heating company. The quote was way more than what we have in savings, so we had to take out a signature loan with the credit union. Which got me thinking that we should postpone ttc for a few months while we deal with getting the loan paid back. Part of what we've been doing the last few months is paying off all the debt we can . . . . Chris' bike, our mattress set, the 1 credit card that has a balance, etc. But, then I realized that every time there was a financial set back in our future, I would have those same fears and worries, and we would wait. And, well, with today's economy in the toilet, we could be retired before we could afford to have kids. So, I changed my mind and didn't tell Chris until after the fact. Let's face it, no one can ever afford to have kids. Well, except for the lottery winners, and since I don't play, that's just not ever going to happen.

Nope, Not This Month

I woke up this morning to my "aunt flo" being in town. I can't say I am suprised, and, honestly, I am not really even sad. Every mom I know tells me that they knew when they were pregnant. I didn't feel pregnant at all. And, I couldn't quite believe that we would manage to get lucky the very first time and the very first month I was off the pill. I am hopeing that this isn't a sign of things to come, but I refuse to dwell on it right now.

Onto cycle #2 we go.

Told My Mother

I finally got to talk to my mom last week after a few days of playing phone tag. She and I had talked a few weeks back - I called her, looking for some reasurance that we weren't totally crazy for considering this, and asked her quite bluntly if she thought I'd be a good mom. Anyway, she was pretty happy, and wished us good luck. It felt good to finally say something to her. Of course, she told my dad, and then my little brother. On my side of the family, there really isn't anyone left to tell. I've told my parents, and my sister in Santa Fe. I even let it slip to my boss when we were talking about insurance for next year.

On a side note, I am 99% postive I am not pregnant yet. Yes, I know we are just beginning this process, and I am in no way discouraged, but I am pretty sure we did not get lucky the first time. I don't feel any different and I don't feel pregnant. Maybe next month.

Christmas Plans = Finalized

I purchased our tickets this morning, and sent the details to Janelle by email. I even sent them to Stevie, who may or may not also be in sunny Phoenix for the holiday. I have a dog sitter lined up, and even a back up kenel, just in case. This has been important to Chris that we make it to Phoenix this year. I think he's worried about his dad, and about Leroy. Neither of them are in the best health these days.

We fly out pretty early in the morning on the way down there, so that will be a challenge. 6am is a little on the early side for me. And, lord help me if I am pregnant by then, and I have morning sickness. I am not the best flier as is. Arfing will not help matters. Just won't.

Eye Opening Experience

Chris is finally done working Saturdays at Scotts, so we took advantage of the beautiful fall weather and got out of the house today. There is a new out door mall that opened up down the street a ways. We had some lunch and then went to Target. Chris wandered off and I found him in the kids section, looking at baby clothes. So, we walked around the clothes, the pack n plays, the strollers, the bottles, the car seats, the diapers, and every thing else it seems a kid needs. I got more and more over whelmed, whereas I think he would have happily maxed out our Taget card buying one of everthing! Who knew babies cost so much money!?!? Wow!! It was a little frightening to see all the stuff we have to buy, and how much it all costs, that's for sure. Hopefully we can get a lot of money stashed away between now and then so that our checkook won't take such a hit.

According to some chart, I am supposed to ovulate this weekend. So far, I won't let Chris near me. I think it's a little too real at the moment for me. Maybe tomorrow, but not today.

Telling My Friends

On Monday morning, the very first person I told was Angela, my bff, who lives in Austin. I sent her an email and then waited impatiently for her to read it and respond. It seems like telling someone made it a little more real. Sunday night my stomach was all in knots, but once I'd actually told someone and gotten some positive feedback that Chris and I really could do this, it somehow seemed to ease the anxiety. I told Moni here at my office, but swore her to secrecy. She and Eli are also trying and I worry that the girls would have a heart attack if they knew there was a chance of us both being pregnant at the same time. And this morning I called Brooke, who is my dear friend in Denver. She was quite happy as she's been nagging me forever to give her kids some playmates. I figure we were just waiting for her kids to be old enough to babysit for us!

I've been asked more than once about our "deal". No, Chris has not stopped smoking yet. He was honest with me about the fact that he's not yet ready to make that committment, and that he felt like he would be more committed to it when I got pregnant. He does not want to smoke when we have a child, so I've got to just let go and let him decide when he's ready.

We are making plans to go to Phoenix for Christmas. It's really important to Chris that we go, so we're trying. Airfare isn't what it used to be that's for sure! I think he really wants to tell his mom in person. I'd love that too, but tickets to Missoula are an arm and 4 legs these days. I'll likely have to settle for telling them on the speaker phone this weekend.

He Said YES!!

We had such a wonderful weekend! For any of you that don't know, Chris and I alternate planning our anniversary. I planned our 1st year, so this was Chris' turn. The fun part is that the other one has no idea where we are going. He'd made reservations Saturday overnight at a little bed and breakfast outside of Evergreen. We went the long way through some of the foothills, and the drive was just amazing. The aspens are lower in elevation down here and so many still had their gold leaves. The drive really was very beautiful.

Once we'd checked in we wandered around town and shopped and looked and talked. Dinner wasn't anything too special - I was having such a hard time finding something I wanted. I think I wanted to tell Chris over dinner, and I couldn't find the right ambiance. We ended up at Beau Jo's having pizza and salad.

When we got back to the room, we relaxed in the jacuzzi tub. The owners sent Chris back up to our room with a glass of chardonay and a St. Paulies. I told him that I had not re-filled my pills (he knew I was at the end of the pack), and he looked at me with a little bit of shock, but I think he was genuinely happy. So, we toasted to "having fun making a family". I am definately nervous, but I know that Chris will make an excellent dad, and I know we will make good parents. We're mostly on the same page about how to raise our kids, and we balance eachother well. I know that I'll be able to count on him when I've had enough, and he will be able to count on me when he's had enough.

So, there ya go! Of course, I have no idea how long this process is going to take, but we're ready to be patient with it. My body is going to need a little time to adjust. It was wierd to get up this morning and not see that little yellow pack of pills on the counter. It seemed emptier than usual.

Anniversary Weekend Bed and Breakfast

Chris and I are sneaking away to a local bed and breakfast this weekend to celebrate our 2 year wedding anniversary. Our actual anniversary was on Tuesday. We kept it pretty low key with some cards to eachother and dinner at TGIFridays (Thanks Donna!) I am excited for the weekend, and a chance to spend some quality time together. Chris works so much in the summer, and now with this no dui job on the weekends, it seems we pass eachother less and less. I love Sunday mornings when he's too tired to fight me off and let's me cuddle while the coffee pot brews.

The reason I actually started this blog is that this weekend will officially begin our TTC journey. For you non-chat board users, that stands for Trying to Conceive. Chris doesn't know yet that I am finally "ready", or as "ready" as I'll ever be anyways. I hope to find a quiet time that I can tell him.

Yes, I said it - we are going to see if we can't give our parents a grandkid (or 2 if Chris has his way). Now, don't go getting too excited. My doctor says it could take a while for my body to cooperate after years of being on "the pill". We can think of a million reasons to keep putting it off, but we've decided it's time to take the plunge and see what happens.

If I can remember to take the digital camera along this weekend, I'll try and get a few photos of us to post.

P.S. Welcome to our journey. I will use this to keep everyone updated, if there's actually something to update you all with. I have the feeling we're in for a long wait.