The associate pastor at my church has 3 boys. 1 older son, and then twin boys. From what I've been told, somewhere around 25 weeks she started to have a leak in her amniotic sack, that went undetected. And once they realized it, it was too late. Damage had been done. Josh, one of the twins, suffered serious brain damage. He is in a wheel chair and has some cerebral palsy type issues. He will never live an independent life. When they are gone, he will have to be placed in a nursing home. It breaks my heart to see him every Sunday. I have always secretly wished she wasn't there, with her sons. They made me feel guilty for having a healthy child. I wished that she would leave the church and never come back.
When I found out I was pregnant with Jackson, one day sitting in the pews, I looked at Josh, and then I looked towards the sky, and said to god "don't you do that to me". I can't help but sometimes wonder if he's punishing Jackson for what I said. It was horrible and selfish and I wish I could take it back. But I can't. I pushed god, and I think god pushed back.
I found my way to a "heart momma" chat board. It's full of moms and dads with heart babies. Some sever, like Jackson's. Some less sever, but scary just the same. And when it's a good day or week on the board, I am filled with a sense of peace and comfort and I think "we can do this". But then when it's bad, it's awful. In the 3 months I've been there, 4 babies have lost their fight. We just lost another last night. And when that happens to these poor families, all I can do is think about Jackson and worry and cry and hate this shitty situation for all that it is. And all that I can not control.
We are 3 weeks out from his birth, and the closer it gets, the more I start to loose my grasp on staying positive.
There are some local Denver heart families, and we are getting together this weekend. I don't think it could come at a better time, for me, to be surrounded by their kids who are living and thriving. I need to see that there is hope and there is promise and there is a future. And it can include Jackson.
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2 comments:
God only gives us the things we can handle. And when we feel like we can't, he is right there to hold our hand and walk us through it. We just have to keep faith.
Don't blame yourself for Jackson's heart. I found myself playing the blame game very often, and it was the source of many of my breakdowns after finding out about Samuel's heart.
You are strong, and you can do this. God will walk you through it, momma.
Do you really believe God punishes people because of their thoughts, or even their deeds? The need to punish is a human need and emotion and God is so literally above that need. I believe that we each plan the script of our lives; who our parents are, where we will live, what we look like, who we connect with, and what our challenges are. As parents we tend to think it's our job to teach our children. We are so naive. We actually learn more from our kids than we'll ever teach them. Jackson chose his life, his challenges and you and Chris as his parents because he knew you had the strength to deal with what he has to face. God is not punishing you. God is awarding your with the opportunity to meet a true angel. You will learn more from Jackson than you ever thought possible, you are already starting to. I imagine the family of the young man in the wheelchair will tell you the same thing. Every human being on this planet have some disability of some kind, some you can see, and some you can't. God isn't punishing you, God is celebrating that you are learning and starting to see the light.
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