I haven't blogged since Jackson was born. Updates were sent by text messages and emails and phone calls. I haven't needed a safe place to unload my emotions. Until now. You see, this weekend a heart momma friend of mine lost her little boy. Liam was only 8 months old. 8 months.
He had a similar heart condition to Jackson. They are both single ventricle kids. Half a heart kids. I met Liam this summer when I was still pregnant. Jessica opened up her home and her life to me. She told me about Liam's birth and surgery. She didn't really know me at all, and yet she held my hand when I cried. And she urged me to go forward with the pregnancy and gave me faith to continue. Over the summer I got to know her better and when Jackson was born, she checked in on me frequently. She was a good friend.
Liam lost his battle in the early morning hours Saturday. He wasn't sick. He wasn't in the hospital. He wasn't in the cardiac ICU. He was at home, with his parents. It scares the ever loving shit right out of me, to think that he could go that quickly. Without warning.
This world where babies are born sick just plain sucks. And it has existed long before I joined it and it will exist long after I leave it. It's not fair. And it hurts. And I hate it. I hate having to be a part of it. I hate having friends who are part of it. And I hate that we lose babies in it.
Liam's service is this weekend. 3 days before Christmas, my heart momma friend and her husband will bury their 8 month old baby. Where is the fair in that?
And yet, selfishly, I sit here and look at Jackson. And I worry and I wonder and I cry. It could just as easily be us, loosing Jackson. We are given these special babies for whatever time god gives them here on earth. We have the privilege of being their parents. We protect them and care for them and love them. And then we hand them back over to god when he comes and calls them home.
My heart aches for this heart momma friend of mine. It hurts for her. It hurts for the loss of her child. And it hurts with fear over the idea of losing my own child.
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2 comments:
I am so sorry you have to travel this path, Traci. I am also deeply sorry for your friend. Sending love and light.
Oh Traci...that is just too much to bear. I just can't imagine that level of grief. I know I don't have words to soothe your worry but will continue to do my best to be here for you in whatever way you need.
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