Not Sure I Can Do This

I am starting to doubt if I can go through with Jackson's next surgery.  In the past week, two little babies have lost their fight.  One was a friend, here in Denver.  Another is a "facebook friend" on line in California.  I asked Jackson's cardiologist what would happen if we didn't do this surgery.  And his answer was that Jackson would die.  I mean, not tomorrow.  But, his half a heart would grow too tired to do all the work of a whole heart and it would give out.  He would die.  But, damn it, these babies had the surgery, and they still died.  So, why should I?  Why would I?  The calendar is staring me in the face.  Taunting me with each passing day that leaves us closer to surgery.

I am tired of being strong and brave.  I am tired of always saying it's fine.  Or I'm fine.  I'm not fine.  I am a nervous wreck over something that isn't even on the schedule yet.  I am sick and tired and worried.  I am sad and angry.  And I am doubting all of this.  But I know, deep down, that we have to do this.  We've always said our decisions for Jackson would be for quality of life, not for quantity.  Who has to have those kinds of discussions?  What parents have to make those choices?  Heart moms and dads, that's who.

Everyone says that god only gives us what we can handle.  Well, let me be the first to say that today I feel like he's been a little over zealous with his faith in us.  I don't feel like I can handle all of this.  I don't want to handle all of this.  I want to take Jackson and run away with him.  I want to take him someplace were they aren't going to break his chest open, again, and operate on his little heart, again.  I want to take him someplace where he will be safe.  As his momma, this is killing me.  To hand him over so they can cut him open.  Again.  I am not sure where to get the courage and strength that this is going to take.  Right now all I can do is cry for my friends, and their angel babies.  And cry for my sweet Jackson.