Thanksgiving 2013

My poor neglected little blog.  Oh, how I've missed thee.

It was just easiest to update everyone about Jackson by email.  People could read it, or not.  They could pass it along to others, or not.  And lord knows I was down right honest in my emails.  But, the therapeutic side of it was missing for me.  I write to get things off my chest and out of my head so I can move on with my day.  I was so busy making sure everyone knew how Jackson was doing, that I forgot to check and see how I was doing.  And so today, I'm making a jump back to my blog.  What started as Mason's baby book, the story of my first born, somehow took a left turn and never got back on the road.  Today, I am merging with traffic again.

I was at King Soopers with Jackson the other day, doing some holiday shopping.  Just the two of us.  A woman passed by us, and said "thank you for choosing life".  I looked at her, but didn't respond.  I guess she didn't think I heard her, so she repeated it.  I just looked at her some more.  I mean, what was I supposed to say?  Clearly, I didn't choose it for her.  I didn't choose it because it was the right thing to do.  I didn't choose it because I was pressured to.  I chose life because at the end of the day, I couldn't choose death.  Don't get me wrong.  I am currently, and will always be, pro choice.  No one should get to tell a woman what to do with her body.  I think I was offended by her.  And I think I was caught off guard by her and her beliefs.  But I know I hated her for bringing me back to those days and weeks when we were faced with such unthinkable choices.  Here I was strolling the isles of the grocery store, talking to Jackson about all that we were seeing, not a single care in the world.  And in an instant a total stranger had brought me back to the darkest days of my life.  I down right hated her.

I sat in the front lobby of Children's hospital yesterday for about 30 minutes.  I sipped my iced vanilla latte and just watched people pass by.  A woman pushed a stroller past me with a baby inside, who was maybe 5 months old.  The little girl was sitting up on her own and I winced a little with jealousy.  And then they turned a corner, and I saw the 8+ inch freshly sewn zipper that covered the baby's head.  And in an instant, my jealousy was washed away with shame.  Who was I to assume that this little girls course had been so easy, just because she could sit up in her stroller?  While I was licking my wounds, a dad came by, with his teenage son.  He was in a wheel chair that reclined to put his feet up in the air, so that he was almost parallel with the ground.  His toes pointed and curled.  His mouth frozen open.  And I knew his son didn't walk.  Or talk. Or laugh.  Or eat with his mouth.  Or hug his mom.

Everyone said that the first year was the hardest.  And, here I sat, having gotten through that first year, with only minimal damage to my heart and mind.  I came home, humbled and grateful, and made 8 dozen pumpkin chocolate chip muffins to take to the Cardiac ICU today.  I wanted to take one into each of the rooms, and hug each of those parents, and promise them that the first year was the hardest.  But, I've been around this heart world long enough to know better than to promise them a damn thing.  Some of us are fortunate, and the first year comes and goes, and while battered and torn, we all live to see another day.  But too many times, we loose another sweet angel.  So, I dropped my goodies off and left.  I can't bring myself to utter empty promises. 

Today, I am thankful for many many things.  Above all else, I am thankful that God has granted my son another day, here on earth with us.

Egg Nog, Blanky and Some Good News

If I ever wonder if Mason is really mine, I can always default to his absolute love of eggnog. He will drink my entire cup worth, smack his lips and say "more please", all in about 5 seconds worth of time. I swear, he just devours it. I guess we really are related!

My good news is that after much begging and persistence from me, Chris has finally agreed to let us have 1 more baby!! Mason is going to get a sibling after all, and I am so excited about this next journey. I've been being a tad bit of a control freak about it all, whereas Chris just keeps saying that there isn't a need to fix that that isn't broken. So I am trying to clutch at it a little less and just enjoy the experience. I have no grand illusions of more that 2 kids, so this will be my last chance at pregnancy. I want to soak in and enjoy each and every aspect of it, and savor it for those times when my heart aches for a 3rd. We are hoping to get pregnant in January and have a baby in October. I think we both secretly wish for a girl, but, I know we both openly just wish for a healthy child.

Happy Halloween

This was the first year that Mason went trick or treating. I am not sure who was more excited - Mason, for the chance to walk around with the other kids at night or dad, for the chocolate. Either way, it was a huge success and they both had a great time. I even abandoned my post at the door and walked to a few houses with them. Hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween!

Ouch!

Last Friday, I had our ancient heater serviced for the year. The service technician found a leak, and so he turned off the gas line and said it was basically illegal for us to run the heater! Crap!! In a panic I called Brooke, who's uncle owns a heating company. The quote was way more than what we have in savings, so we had to take out a signature loan with the credit union. Which got me thinking that we should postpone ttc for a few months while we deal with getting the loan paid back. Part of what we've been doing the last few months is paying off all the debt we can . . . . Chris' bike, our mattress set, the 1 credit card that has a balance, etc. But, then I realized that every time there was a financial set back in our future, I would have those same fears and worries, and we would wait. And, well, with today's economy in the toilet, we could be retired before we could afford to have kids. So, I changed my mind and didn't tell Chris until after the fact. Let's face it, no one can ever afford to have kids. Well, except for the lottery winners, and since I don't play, that's just not ever going to happen.

Nope, Not This Month

I woke up this morning to my "aunt flo" being in town. I can't say I am suprised, and, honestly, I am not really even sad. Every mom I know tells me that they knew when they were pregnant. I didn't feel pregnant at all. And, I couldn't quite believe that we would manage to get lucky the very first time and the very first month I was off the pill. I am hopeing that this isn't a sign of things to come, but I refuse to dwell on it right now.

Onto cycle #2 we go.