Jackson Update

I saw the OB on Friday.  Nothing interesting to report.  Which, I suppose is good, all things considered.  We talked about a few things and she sent me on my way up to the 4th floor to meet with the perinatologist.

Since my chart was in Littleton, he didn't have all the pics, or reports from Childrens.  So we got lots of new ultrasound pics.  I think Jackson is the most photographed baby ever!  And he's not even here yet!!

I won't lie, I was hoping that they'd look at me and laugh, embarrassed, and say that they'd made a mistake.  Whoops, his heart was fine.  Ha ha, our bad.  But, alas, that wasn't the case.  I studied the tech's face as she looked at his heart, the small right side ventricle, hard to even find with the wand.  It's hard to say which came first, but the "doors" between his top and bottom chambers don't seem to open and close correctly on the right side.  Who knows if the busted doors lead to the lack of blood flow, or if the lack of blood flow caused the doors to take the night off.  Regardless, things looked the same.  Jackson still will need all three surgeries. 

Our only new issue was his abdominal measurement.  All the rest of his measurements are fine, tracking right along.  His legs are in the 64th percent!  But, his abdomen is measuring in the 8th percent.  Seems he is going to be tall and skinny, just like his brother.  I have to go back in 3 weeks, with the hope that he's come up on the growth chart some.  Otherwise, they say we will have to talk about cutting out my walks, and my laps at the pool.  I don't want to loose either, so I am trying to be better about eating good food, at more regular intervals.  Fingers and toes crossed I can pack a few pounds on him (and not just on me!) so we can cut these growth scans out.

I am trying to mourn the loss of the healthy child I thought I was going to have.  I am trying to work through those fears and emotions and anger.  I am scared to death of losing him.  The idea of burying my child makes me sick to my stomach.  All the way down at the very bottom of it.  Sick.  Sick.  Sick.  I am trying really hard to focus on the positive, and to pray for the surgeons to have steady hands.

I continue to reach out to other mom's with kiddo's who have undergone some of this.  We are meeting a family on Saturday with a 1 year old son, named Samuel.  He has had 2 of the 3 surgeries.  His pictures look like a happy, normal, well adjusted kid.  They give me hope.  I am having lunch late next week with a mom, who's son, Liam, was born in April.  He's had the 1st surgery, with the 2nd set for later this summer.  And I've recently been talking to a mom with an 8 year old boy who had all 3 surgeries here in Denver.  She too was diagnosed while she was still pregnant.  He sleeps with oxygen at night, but keeps up with his friends at recess.  That's not the end of the world, right?

Chris and I check in with each other often.  He's been better at not second guessing our decision to move forward.  I don't think I'd say I second guess myself.  More true, I just let my fear get control over me and it takes me down roads I don't need to go, and let's me dwell in places I need to get out of.  Quickly.

We are meeting with the cardiologist on the 20th.  No doctors appointments or meetings this Friday.  YAY for a Friday off, to come home and put my feet up and relax.

Some Mason Pics

Just some new pics to show off my handsome man.  Loving his new smile.  He's all about "cheese" whenever I bust out the camera.  Too bad I am not loving the attitude that he's been flicking our way lately.  Is he too young to ground?!?  Ugh, he's driving us CRAZY!!  I know he's just flexing his wings, but, dang child!!  Show some mercy, would you??

Baby Update

Well, it seems I may have to go back to blogging on a more frequent basis.  Unfortunately, it's not so that I can pass along pictures of baby all cuddled up at home, just a few days old.  It is  because on June 13th, we were told our son has a Double Outlet Right Ventricle.  What the hell is that you ask?  Join the club!  Basically, the left ventricle of his heart did not form in the first few weeks and will not ever be functional.  His heart will only ever pump from the right side. 

After much crying and talking and researching and praying, we decided to jump in with both feet and hope like hell.  We are scared and unsure of what to expect.  But, we are committed to giving Jackson (yes, that's his name) the best shot possible.  The doctors tell us that his quality of life should be no different than you or me.  He will walk and talk and hug on us.  He will eat us out of house and home and spend many Saturday afternoons in timeout, just like his brother.  He will go to school and play sports (if his mother can stand the idea of allowing him!) and hopefully die an old man, having lived a long and full life.  A mother can only hope.

I will be set for a repeat c-section, sometime the 2nd week of October.  Not exactly the birth plan I had in mind, but, the plan none the less.  And the OCD in me needs to plan as much as I am able, to hopefully gain some control over my fears.  I will deliver him at Denver Children's Hospital.  We will have a few short days to bond with Jackson before handing him over to cardiac surgeons.  He will under go three rounds of open heart surgery in the first 3 - 4 years of his life.  Sadly, the first one will be in the first few days.  I remember crying when I handed Mason over to the urologist to be re-circumcised.  This is going to be heart wrenching for sure.  The only plus I can find in knowing ahead of his birth, is that he can be born in a room full of doctors and nurses who already know he has some issues, they know what those issues are, and they can step in at a moments notice and help him.  I foresee myself loosing my shit in that delivery room.  Maybe I can tip the anesthesiologist and ask for the good stuff?!?

Chris and I will spend the remainder of our pregnancy trying to enjoy it, but also meeting with cardiologists and surgeons and social workers and god knows who else.  It is going to take a village to get us all through this, and I know we will come out the other end a family of 4 blessed people, who know without a doubt, each and every one of the members of their tribe.  We are loved and supported by so many, and that means so much.

The more I reach out, the more of these kids I find.  And the majority of them are doing really well, and the best part - they are totally normal.  Luckily the first 2 surgeries are done so early, they have no memory of it.  They are just normal kids, doing normal things, living normal lives.  Those same moms and dads were right where Chris and I found ourselves.  Scared beyond belief, and putting their baby into the hands of strangers.  Their courage to carry on helps me find strength and courage myself.  If they can do it, and come out the other end, then damn it, so can we.

I will try to update as often as there is news.  But, also be sure to tune in for Mason pictures and funny stories too.  I can't let him get lost in all of this.  I love that little boy more than anything on the face of the planet (well, maybe his dad runs a close 2nd!) and I need his life to remain as stable and normal and balanced as I can.

Construction Room

One big advantage to number 2 also being a boy, is the fact that the nursery is already done.  We just have to boot Mason out.  So, in an effort to make that change go over better, we let him pick the theme for his new room.  And, my boy, picked a construction room.  Wallah!  I give you the construction room!  Now I just gotta get his 8 million books loaded on to the book shelf and his clothes moved over.  And then hope like hell he will actually sleep here tonight!!

Mason's BIG Announcement

Estimated due date: October 18, 2012

Easter Weekend

Sadly, Mason was super sick (like 103+ temps) all weekend, so Easter wasn't quite as much fun, and there wasn't a big ham at our table. In fact, dinner that night was scrambled eggs and Cinnamon rolls. But, after 4 days of not eating anything, I knew he'd eat that. Next year we can have ham and all the fixings. He was happy with some cough medicine and a little side of cuddles with momma.

Visit From Grandma and Papa

I can't believe I am just now finding the time to post some pics from when Grandma and Papa were here in March, but, sadly, it's true. Here are a few from The Children's Museum. We had a good time for sure, but it was definitely a case of sensory overload for Mason at the end of the day. Poor kid crashed HARD for his naps when they were here. What can I say, we like to play hard when Grandma and Papa come for a visit. It's not every day we see them, after all!